Sooo…about those Colonics

The word colonics is enough to make most people cringe in disgust, and start running for the nearest exit. It was certainly the one element of the cleanse that I was most fearful of. 14 days without solid food? No problem! Drinking shakes made out of clay? Sure! Daily colonics? Um…can’t we just skip those?

Unfortunately, colonics or enemas in some form, are an integral part of most cleansing programs, because it’s the best way to rid yourself of the toxins you’ve worked so hard to get at. Not doing so would mean that those poisons would eventually reabsorb into your system.

At Health Oasis, the main agent of detoxification is a bentonite clay and psyllium shake, which is taken with juice 5 times per day. Bentonite clay is a negatively charged volcanic ash that magnetically pulls and absorbs positive ions (toxins) to it. It can hold and detoxify up to 200 times it’s weight. The psyllium expands in your stomach, making you feel full, as well as brushing the intestinal walls to pull toxins into the large intestine for elimination.

As far as I’m concerned, 5 shakes a day for 13 days straight is an awful lot of stuff you DON’T want staying in your body. I know, I certainly don’t.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), the body is completely unable to digest the bentonite clay. If I’d been eating, it would come out whenever I made a trip to the toilet, but since I was on a cleansing fast with no solid food, it, along with the toxins attached to it, have to be removed by some other means…and that’s where the colonics come in.

Most colonics at detox resorts in Thailand are self-administered, though of course, there are more luxurious ones where someone else does all the work for you. However, now that I’ve done about 20 of them, I fully understand the reasoning behind self-administration. Colonics are very personal, and it can be an uncomfortable experience until you get used to it.

Without further ado, my step by step guide for a successful colonic… you know, in case you ever decide to give yourself one. 😉

At Health Oasis, the colema board is set up in your bathroom in advance, and I would guess it’s similarly done at most detox resorts in Thailand.

1) Get a jug of hot water from the kitchen. You can ask for plain hot water, or add garlic or coffee to the water. Each has a different purpose.
2) Take it back to your room and pour it into the large bucket, along with the bottle of oxygenated water. This tempers the water, so that it’s comfortable for your body.

3) Unclip the tube and let a little water run though to get rid of all the air bubbles. If you don’t, they’ll end up inside you, and you know what that means. 😉
4) If you wish, you can float a basket in the toilet to catch all your waste for examination later. I was never able to do this, but a lot of people (Ana) 😉 are very curious about what kinds of things are being eliminated. It’s possible to see parasites, worms and other disgusting things. Just eww.
5) Put some lube on the end of tube.

6) Get comfortable. I turn on some relaxing music and take deep breaths.
7) Lie on the board and stick the tube about 3 inches up your butt. 😮 There’s really no danger of putting it too far in and injuring yourself, because the colema board is designed in such a way that you can only go so far, and that part of your intestinal tract is quite long.
8) Put your butt right up against the hole at the end of the colema board. Get as close as you can, so that everything you release goes straight into the toilet where it belongs.

9) Lie down and release the clip. The colema board works with the force of gravity and the water will flow steadily into you. Initially you’ll feel the need to let go immediately, but it’s important to try to hold the water in for as long as possible, so that it can reach as high into the intestinal tract as possible.
10) When you can’t hold it in any longer, relax, release and let go of all those toxins that have been blocking you up, for god knows how long.

Now, you may be wondering, are all these colonics really necessary? Surely after 14 days of starving myself, nothing else could possibly come out, could it? Especially since I had already been doing 1 or 2 colonics daily.

If you’re squeamish about um…bathroom matters, I suggest you stop reading right about now…and look at this picture of the beautiful water around our resort instead. 😉

Because I am sad to report, that it was on the 14th day of my fast, that I had the biggest and most “successful” colonic of my entire detox. I was frankly, astonished and a little disgusted with myself, when I took a reluctant peek into the toilet bowl.

It was abundantly clear from the looks of that toilet, that my detox process had really only just begun… if only I’d had another 14 days. If only.

Special thanks to Ana and Kerrie for shamelessly acting out (almost) the entire colonics process for me. 😉