The Ayahuasca Experience: Shelley’s Story
When I return from the bathroom, the Bear is lying prone on the floor. Griselda and Felipe seem to be watching over him, and the Taita is singing icaros and blowing incense smoke over his body. The music is haunting and beautiful to listen to, but it’s as though I’ve transited through a wormhole (yes, a wormhole located in the bathroom) and returned to a world completely different from the one I left not moments ago.
After a few minutes, Bear sits up and mumbles something, which sounds to me, like, “I hit my head.” What he’s actually said, not without a little wonder, is “I peed my pants.”
As it turns out, he DID hit his head. The next day, when the cobwebs of the night before have cleared from our minds, we find out from Griselda that Agri fell back suddenly, his eyes rolling up into the back of his head, he bumped his head 3 times, and well…you know the rest.
And I missed the whole thing.
Which pretty much sums up my entire ayahuasca experience. No colourful visions. No startling revelations. No deeper understanding of the workings of the universe. Just nada. I’m not sure what I expected from the night…but it certainly wasn’t what I got.
I spent most of the night feeling nauseous, but unable to throw up. There were moments when I felt an expansion of consciousness. I can only describe it as a feeling of growing outwards and becoming larger than the limited vessel of my physical body. However, after just a few moments of this expansiveness, my mind/ego would kick in, with a random thought/judgement about what was happening. Immediately, I would feel a shrinking and be back to feeling nauseous.
This continued for most of the night. Back and forth. Back and forth. I could not let go and allow myself to release into the experience. After a few episodes of dry heaving, where nothing actually came up, at 6am, I was finally able to vomit and purge something out of my system. Was it a release of negative energy or just the outcome of the purgative properties of the plant? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know.
Still, I believe that the Universe always provides you with what you need, rather than what you want, so I have no choice, but to try to figure out the lesson of the experience. There has to be one, right? 😉
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